To Mourn, To Heal
by Lifeshandful
Summary: Gabby and Kelly remember their grief.


_**To Mourn, To Heal**_

The drinks were being poured just as quickly, if not quicker, as they drank them. Shot after shot swallowed down in between the quick talking, sombre reflection and loud laughing.

It was a mid-week evening and Molly's was quiet. Gabby and Kelly found themselves down the far end of the bar both wanting to forget about the world around them, and all of their problems, just for the night. They both wanted to forget about the weight that they carried, their pasts bearing heavy on the hearts and souls; it was at certain times, certain dates, when that weight felt as though it could crush them so easily. Somehow the two had been drawn together despite their desire to drink alone, to drown their sorrows.

The need to avoid prying eyes laced with concern was cemented somewhere deep inside their minds but somehow that small need was forgotten about as they found their way together.

Gabby laid her cold hand over top of Kelly's warm one that was resting on top of the bar as her other hand held the near empty bottle of tequila pouring them both another round of shots. Kelly turned his hand around underneath her own and laced their fingers together, squeezing softly, a visceral reaction, the unspoken message that they were in this pain together understood.

He watched as she placed the bottle back down with a heavy thud then turned to look at him. Her eyes stared right into his and he knew in that moment that they mirrored his own, mirrored the emotions that he felt but couldn't verbalise. Pain. Heartbreak. Fear. Hurt. Anger. Lucky. Grateful. Guilt. There were so many different emotions that came with Shay and her death. The night was about mourning their loss, and remembering what they loved about her, remembering the good times. It felt like they were the only two people who still remembered, who knew what the date was, and it felt like they could only understand each other thoughts and emotions.

"To Shay." Kelly murmured so softly that if it had not have been for Gabby's proximity she would have never had heard him.

"To Shay." She spoke just as softly before they both picked up the shot glasses and swallowed the tequila down in one mouthful. Both let the glasses rest gently on the wooden counter, their fingers still entwined with each other's.

"It's closing time, do you want me to call you two a cab?" Otis asked as he wouldn't allow them to drive given the amount of alcohol they had drunk; he'd already lifted their keys from them earlier in the night. They were the only two people left in Molly's aside from Otis, and whilst he didn't know what had led them to this drinking session, their entwined hands signalled to him that he shouldn't ask and that it was something that meant they both needed comfort from each other.

"Nope." Gabby answered with a slight shake of her head, for the both of them, before she turned to look at Kelly who gave her a slight nod of agreement.

"Let's go." Kelly didn't hesitate to stand up albeit somewhat unsteadily, smiling down at Gabby as she copied his actions. They both grabbed their jackets single handedly as their hands were still entwined and made their way out into the coolness of the night.

The two made their way down the block and around the corner slowly, meandering somewhat, until Gabby stopped abruptly making Kelly stop and look at her slightly confused for the suddenness of her inaction. His confusion disappeared as he moved to stand in front of her, his free hand finding its way to her chin and tilting her head up so he could see her tear stained face illuminated by the soft glow of a nearby street light. She closed her eyes briefly before she opened them again, her eyes finding his; he lifted his hand from her chin to her cheek, using his thumb to delicately wipe the falling tears away. His eyes asking the question he didn't dare voice, the question of what had made her cry so abruptly but the truth was her tears weren't abrupt, they had been beneath the surface for a while. Her silent realisation of his actions had been what had made her tears finally fall, that he was taking care of her like he did with his sparkles, with Shay, and that he was always protecting and supporting her like he had with Shay although she hadn't realised it until that moment. They had been bonded for life by the blonde that they both adored and loved wholeheartedly, and that bond had only strengthened in the wake of her death. Her death devastated both of them, changed that both irrevocably, and left them with invisible scars that only they could feel.

"You're a good man Kelly." She whispered needing him to hear and believe her words. It was his turn to close his eyes briefly before he opened them to find her still looking at him, he placed a soft kiss on her temple before he leaned down, resting his forehead against hers, his thumb still delicately stroking the soft skin of her cheek, feeling the tear drops against his own skin. He was overwhelmed by her words, he felt as though he was always perceived as anything other than a good man by everyone else with the exception of his beautiful best friend, Leslie Shay.

"A good man wouldn't have treated her how I did, a good man would have protected her." His voice gave away the storm of emotions brewing deep inside of him, it was always the same dark memories and thoughts that tormented him on this day, the anniversary of her death, of her murder. He felt her own free hand move up and lay over top of his shirt, flatting out over his heart. Her heart breaking at his tormented words, at his silent torture.

"You're a good man Kelly. The way you cared, the way you care. You loved her, you still do, and she knew it, she felt it. She died loved." The words were a struggle to say for Gabby as they bought a new sadness but they were the truth. She clutched his shirt in her hand and pulled him closer making him step closer so that his body was pressed against hers. The warmth radiated from him and she welcomed it.

"I miss her." The admission was spoken so softly but it needed to be said. "I do too, every damn day." His voice was just as soft as her own in the eerily silence of the night. It was easier to wallow in their own misery, not to share their darkest thoughts, hide certain thoughts and feelings from all those around them, yet here they were stood together in the middle of the sidewalk in an empty street entwined in each other admitting their pain and misery.

"If she could see us now, I wonder what she'd think." She smiled softly, her eyes still glassy, at the verbalised thought. She could imagine Shay freaking out but then again they wouldn't be in this position, in this pain, if she was still alive, still with them. "Oh, we would never hear the end of it." He knew her tenacity when it came to certain situations, and he could imagine her thought process. Gabby couldn't help the small laugh that escaped her lips as she thought about how passionate Shay was when she was having one of her rants, and at Kelly's words as he was right, they would never hear the end of it, or how close they were.

"We need tequila." It was something that he and Shay did often after a night out, made a quick stop to get more tequila and ice cream on their way back home to their apartment. He didn't want to be alone, and given the grasp that Gabby had on his shirt and the proximity of their bodies, he knew she didn't want to be alone either. "Only if we get ice cream as well. Shay's favourite." It felt fitting and he readily agreed knowing where to get both at one convenient location close to his place. "Let's go then." Regretfully they had to pull themselves away from each other, but their hands were still entwined as they once again began walking.

A quick trip to the all night convenience store got them all the tequila and ice cream that they could want. Although there had been a rather lively and somewhat comical conversation when a bottle of the bubble-gum flavoured tequila made its way into the rather packed basket that already contained two bottles of tequila, four pints of ice cream, an aerosol can of whipped cream, and a four pack of red velvet cupcakes with vanilla buttercream frosting. Shay always managed to sneak the cupcakes in during these late night drunken shops, and Kelly couldn't resist when he saw them.

"Are those the cupcakes that Shay would always brag about but never share?" Gabby asked as Kelly spread everything across the table whilst she got spoons and glasses then made her way back to him. She put the glasses down just as he opened the first bottle of tequila. She sat down on the couch heavily, and unzipped her boots, kicking them off and letting them fall to the floor with a soft thump as he poured the tequila. "Yeah. Sometimes I used to stop on my way home just to get them for her when she was having a rough day. There was the odd occasion that I would leave them in her locker." Another sweet yet unspoken act that he did for Shay. He handed her a cupcake and one of the full glasses of tequila before he settled back against the couch. He watched as she settled back, their knees touching then held his own glass up. "To us." "To us." The first glasses of tequila was swallowed down with many more to follow alongside the many mouthfuls of ice cream and cupcakes.

Somehow they ended up laying on the floor together with a blanket over their legs. Their bodies facing each other and legs entwined. Their foreheads pressed together just watching each other. "We're drunk." Gabby stated seriously. "And sugar high." Kelly added on seeing her smile. "Did you ever do this with Shay?" She asked suddenly, a sudden urge to know if this was one of their 'things' that he was sharing with her too. "Never laid on the floor like this with her... We'd get drunk and sugar high, and she would dance or we would watch a movie but never did this." He found himself explaining. "This is our thing, or it can be..." It was a simple thought, a suggestion but the smile that it bought to her face was indescribable. "I'd like that." And just like that it was cemented to be their 'thing', and it filled her heart with warmth because once again he was taking care of her and he didn't even know how much it meant to her. She didn't know how much it meant to him either.

There was a magnetism that they both felt as they laid entwined together. Gabby lifted her hand up to his face, resting it softly against his chiseled jaw with her thumb swiping lightly back and forth over his cheek bone. The need for intimacy was not lost on either of them, they needed to feel all consumed, and not feel the pain that they felt even if it was just for the night. Their lips met, soft and delicate, and slowly. Kelly's warm hands moved over her body on top of her clothing; she let out a soft moan as his hands caressed her so delicately, so tentatively, so sensually. She pressed her body closer to his although they were already pressed against each other. Her other hand slipped down his chest, stopping at the hem of his sweater and slipping up under the fabric, stopping to rest on his toned stomach. Her hand on his stomach sent a shock wave through his body, a pleasurable wave that made him groan into her mouth.

They pulled away both gasping for air with swollen lips. He found himself amazed by her beautiful brown eyes with specks of hazel that he had never noticed before. "You're beautiful." His voice was so soft and husky that it had her swooning internally. The sincerity was so overwhelming. "So are you." Beautiful was not typically associated with a male but to her he was beautiful, inside and out. He had showed her so much of himself, so much that he didn't show the world, and to her it was beautiful, he was beautiful.

Her lips brushed against his as her words settled in his heart and warmed his soul. They had nothing but time. Time to feel what they needed too. Time to feel what they wanted too. And time to explore this new facet of their relationship. There was no need to rush. They were in no rush. It was about being in the moment, in the present, just the two of them. They were unified in the grief, in their heartache, and in a loneliness that only they could understand but this wasn't about that, this was about them and what they needed. The need for each other. The need to push away all of their darkness and enjoy a little light.

His hand slipped up under her shirt, spreading across the expanse of her back, his fingertips delicately tracing over the vertebrae of her spine enjoying the feel of her soft warm skin. The kisses became more intense, more feverishly, more passionate but maintained the delicateness that meant more to either of them then they cared to explain.

She used her weight and the entwinement of their legs to push him over onto his back so that she was straddling his hips as the blanket fell away from them, her hand moved from his stomach to his neck feeling his pulse. His hand remained on her back whilst the other settled on top of her thigh, his fingertips skimming over her hip bone. She pulled back just enough, letting them both catch their breathes, and their eyes settled on each other's. Neither needed words, every emotion conveyed between them through their eyes.

After a few moments she pulled her hands away from him, reaching down to the hem of her own top, grasping it and then pulling it over her head, letting it fall to the ground beside them. She didn't feel exposed under his gaze instead he matched her, slipping his hands from her body causing her skin to break out in goose-bumps at the loss of contact as he lifted himself up just enough to remove his own sweater and added it to the forming pile beside them.

His hands found their way to her back again, the fingertips of his left hand landing over the hook and eye closure of her lace bra. She let her fingertips gracefully dance across his chest feeling the rise and fall of it as she leaned down into him. He was letting her lead, following her, moving with her at her pace.

He lifted his head up to meet hers, kissing her again. He needed to kiss her again, to feel her lips again. She responded matching him and moving her nimble hands to his belt, fumbling momentarily as she shifted her own weight just enough to make enough room to undo and remove it from his jeans. Suddenly everything intensified and they became desperate. There was a desperate need between them. Their remaining clothing removed as quickly as it could be. Hands needy in their movements, and bare skin against bare skin.

In their haste they had managed to change positions, she was now on her back with him on top of her. Her legs were wrapped around him, welcoming him into her body, and her hands spread over his back pulling him into her, holding him closer. His hands were all over her body, caressing her silky smooth skin slowly. The desperation had melted away, melted into a slow languid rhythm. They poured everything they felt into their intimate act. Their lips only parting as they arrived at their glorious end, calling each other's name out as they did, in rapture.

Kelly went to lift himself away from Gabby, concerned about putting all of his weight on her, but her nails pressed into his skin and her legs tightened around him keeping him close. "I'm here." He murmured against her lips and using the strength he had left to shift them without breaking the contact between their bodies as he was still seated deep inside of her; he rolled them over so that his back was now pressed against the floor and she was laid on top of him. She bought her hands round to his shoulders, and unlocked her legs, straightening them out and entwining hers with his legs. He noticed the goosebumps forming on her skin and blindly reached out, grasping the blanket that had been hastily discarded earlier and then spread it over them, mainly over her body before he laid his hands across her back.

She craned her neck, shifting slightly so that her head was on his shoulder and he turned his head so that he was face to face with her. She was rendered speechless, had been by his words, and the look in his eyes. He didn't push her away or try to decipher all that had happened between them instead he had pulled her closer, covered her up so she wasn't cold, and tended to her so gently, so lovingly. It was like nothing else she had even experienced with anyone else.

She settled her hand on his neck and let her thumb brush over his stubbled jawline. "I'm here too." She needed him to know, and he did. There was no need for any more words as they let the silence wash over them, reveling and marveling in being as they were. They were both spent, every bit of their energy used, and neither was ready to pull away.

In the light of day neither knew what would happen but neither cared because they knew they were bonded for life, and nothing would really change between them. They would grow closer, share experiences, and support one another. He would always protect her, and she would always ground him. They would mourn together and heal each other. They would heal together.


End file.
